Been there, read that...

Chances are, so have you. Dan Brown's "The DaVinci Code" was one of the most successful books in recent years, catapulting a formerly unknown author to unexpected heights of fame. Another case before that was Joanne K. Rawling, the stupid cunt... The one thing that Brown & Rawling have in common is that they both have mediocre writing skills. The one difference between them, is that Brown is an arrogant S.O.B. As soon as the first articles came out, which kinda picked a few "facts" from the book and started proving them right, he jumped right out in front of the cameras and started making innuendos at the contents of his book - what with, it was all well researched and based on facts, while still being a work of fiction, but then again, not fiction, really, but, you know, you have to build your own opinion, and who knows, it might still be true... What a prick!
O well - I guess he's earning good money with it, the more opaque his comments about the factuality of the book, the better it would sell.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it's a bad book. It's a good, light read, a page-turner, as they say. It's just that Brown can't write worth shit... His characters are transparent, boring and predictable, no complexity whatsoever, the plot is predictable as well, which is the worst thing that can happen to a thriller - loses all the thrill.

But I digress - I wasn't meaning to really write about the book or Brown, or JK Rawling, the stupid cunt, for that matter. No, I'm on a rampage again against one of my favorite all-time enemies.

You've guessed it.

The Catholic Church is having a field day in its comments about the book. Just one of the comments (again showing that the Catholic Church is a bunch of below-average-IQ dicks with a severe lack of self confidence) was blabbed out by Joseph Dias, general secretary of the so-called "Catholic Secular Forum" (whatever the hell that may mean...). He said (quoted without his or the BBC's bloody permission): "You can't make fiction on a religious figure."

Oh? You can't?

Brown proved otherwise! You pretty well fucking can! He did! Who says, he can't? And who is "you"? He's obviously one of the fuckers who think that the whole world belongs to his 2000 year-old fisherman's club. Sounds like his reality check bounced badly. He added that the Christian community has been tolerant in relation to the book-release of the Dan Brown epic, but an audio-visual medium would have a more serious and a more lasting impact.

Beg your FUCKING pardon!? Tolerant? Where? When that book came out, the bloody pope himself made stupid comments about the book, there were discussions on whether to put the book on the fucking Index, right next to Hitler's "Mein Kampf"!

Talk about tolerance... yeah, right!

There's more, though. The same guy then goes on to say "Tempers are already running quite high and there's no way of saying what could happen if the movie is released."

Are you, Mr Dias, by chance trying to... threaten us!? I'm hearing something like, if you don't take some kind of action against that movie, the members of the Catholic Church are going to behave the same way the Muslims did when those caricatures were published... Ah... just to imagine, thousands of Catholics out on a bloody rampage, burning Dan Brown voodoo puppets, all the books he ever wrote, denouncing the US where he comes from, claiming the approximately $300 million dollars he made with the book, for the lawyers they need to defend themselves against the claims of sexual harrassment, burning New Hampshire flags, bombing the publishing house... It sounds almost enticing!

It seems to me like the Catholic Church is pretty much profiting from the whole goddamn (hell, how I love blashphemy!) mess! Nobody talks about them, unless there's a major scandal onto which they can jump and add their useless comments. They're requesting - yeah, you read that right, requesting! - government action against "anti-Christian" films!

What in the name of holy-fucking-everything is "anti-Christian" about a fucking fiction book or movie!?

The same guys who get enraged about the Muslim community's reaction to the publishing of Mohammed caricatures, are now screaming bloody murder at Dan Brown's book & movie, not really noticing the irony of the situation they're putting themselves into.

My girlfriend put it bluntly. There's a saying in German (no, I'm not from Germany, but I speak the fucking language), which translates to something like "A dog will bark, if you kick him!"

How true. One of the biggest dogs in the world has just received a major kicking, and it's barking so loudly, the papers are covered with the fecal matter it's shitting itself with, the internet news is boiling over with the story, everyone is happily jumping in and offering their useless opinion (yep, even me).

I haven't seen the movie yet, but I've got a movie theatre reservation for Sunday. I'm going to watch it for one reason: I want to have some good suspenseful entertainment, I like Tom Hanks (as an actor, you jerk, what did you think!?) and I want to switch off my brain for a couple of hours - not for the rest of my life, like oh-so-many members of the Catholic Church obviously did five minutes after they were born...

Oh, by the way, I have a number of suggestions for the Catholic Church. Here's a couple of books/movies which might come in handy, once the novelty of Dan Brown has worn off:

- Monty Python's "The Life of Brian"
- Monty Python's "The Holy Grail"
- Mel Gibson's "The Passion of Christ" (yeah, I know there was some slight outrage about that, but nowhere near enough!)
- Michael Moorcock's "I.N.R.I"

And for those, for whom The DaVinci Code didn't contain enough conspiracy theories, read Umberto Eco's "Pendulum of Foucault". If you don't get the irony of that one, you may as well put an end to your sorry lives.

Oh, and don't forget wintermute's "The Catholic Church - Major Clusterfuck or Moronic Dumb-And-Dumberer-Society?" That's a decent read, too...